How to Make Coffee (and Better Choices)

Become addicted to The Tunnel on PBS (optional: pay handsomely per episode because you erased all the episodes you recorded). Start watching as soon as your husband* goes to bed, tell yourself you won’t be tired, and make sure you get little sleep the night before the second day of school. (*May substitute wife, partner, roommate, or child; but do not alter the ridiculous number of hours you stay up watching.)

Ignore first alarm. Ignore second alarm. Wake up with five-second window in which you must decide to shower or not.

Decide it’s going to be a “workout clothes” day. Wonder if you’ll work out.

Curse coffee maker for not turning on. Curse yourself for leaving a glowing review on Amazon for this coffee maker. Wonder if you can go back and edit that.

Yell, “WHY WON’T THIS THING TURN ON?”

Glare at child when she suggests it’s not plugged in.

Check plug.

Repeat yell.

Realize lid is not closed. Feel satisfied with problem solving skills.

To save time, decide to use ground coffee instead of beans.

Yell to other child to help you find ground coffee in the pantry you re-organized yesterday.

Check the shelf she points to. Feel satisfied your child also has problem solving skills.

Measure coffee. Fill reservoir. Find correct setting. Hit “Start.”

Wait ten minutes, pour coffee and realize you never put the filter back.

Dump the two cups of grounds you have just poured.

Clean all parts of coffee maker, burning yourself because, of course, everything is still hot.

Begin again with measured coffee grounds.

Wait ten minutes, pour coffee and realize you put the coffee in the wrong basket.

Find coffee maker manual.

Clean all parts of coffee maker, burning yourself because, of course, everything is still hot.

Begin again with measured coffee grounds.

Using sarcasm, ask children if they really need to be in the kitchen right now.

Wait ten minutes, realize you never poured the water from the carafe into the reservoir.

Yell at children that you’re going to be late for school.

Pour water into reservoir and decide it’s ok and you can bring coffee with you.

Wait ten minutes and realize you don’t have a portable coffee mug.

Google, “Is tea healthier than coffee?”

Bookmark an article to share on Facebook later while feeling smug about life choices.

Again, feel good about problem solving skills.

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This entry was posted in Humor, It's All About Me, New York City Living and Coping, Parenting Moments, Writing and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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