I have always wanted to write a “What Not to Say” piece–“What Not to Say to Pregnant Women,” “…to New Mothers,” etc. I figured being a mother of twins was my best shot. (I’ve also drafted “10 Things You Shouldn’t Say to Fans of the Band Rush.” No one seems interested in this one.)

Who knew that my five-year-old daughter would do most of the work for me, and give me my much-needed blog post.

From her reactions this week, I’ve compiled a list of seven things one is better off not saying to a five-year-old girl. In August. In or near my apartment. You’ve been warned.

Don’t say: “Hi princess!”

Because: Mommy, everyone at camp is calling me a princess! This is the worstest day of my life. (Note: She was wearing a tiara.)

Don’t say: Song lyrics of any kind within one foot of her head.

Because: Mommy, Rider, that little boy in camp, was singing in my FACE! This is the worstest day for me.

Don’t say: “You don’t need to compare drawings with your sister’s. There is no ‘best.’ I love them both.”

Because: YOU DON’T LOVE ME ANYMORE!

Don’t say: “Where’s Ellie?”

Because: Mommy, in computers, the counselor asked ‘where’s Ellie?’ and EVERYONE TURNED AROUND TO LOOK AT ME! This is the worstest day of my life.

Don’t say: “What do you want for lunch tomorrow? Turkey?”

Because: You never listen to me! OOOOH! I can’t take this anymore.

Don’t say: “I think you’re just tired and it’s time for bed.”

Because: You are the worst mother ever and you’re never nice to me! YOU DON’T EVEN LOVE ME! This is the worstest day!

Please don’t say: “Well, tomorrow’s another day!”

Because: MOMMY NOOOOO!

This post originally appeared on Appleseeds blog.