Have you ever needed to keep writing to just… keep writing? Tonight is one of those nights. My thoughts from the day are a cyclone. At one point this afternoon I thought I needed a good cry–where is a good cry when you need one, anyway? Sometimes making dinner will have to do.
We started the day here with a lot of screaming. M. Me. Just screaming to get out the door. Early. On a Monday. And pick up coffee and donuts for a meeting. It was an ambitious task. We weren’t ready for it. We are denying M the stroller for school drop offs and she’s not happy. It took several attempts, much tears, threats and bribes for both us of to get into an elevator to leave the building. And then there was a forgotten phone to come back for.
My early meeting was confusing. You know when you feel like you missed a memo or forgot a really important project was due? That’s pretty much me at all meetings. WHAT ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT? often runs through my mind. Sometimes I say it out loud.
When I returned home after the meeting, oldest still in school, latte in hand, ready to write, my 2.5-year-old twins were five minutes behind me. Even with the babysitter here, they don’t leave me alone.
On to school pick up. More crying. I reprimanded her in front of her teachers. I felt like an awful terrible disgusting person. M continued to cry. On to soccer. I was the only mommy holding hands with one of the players on the field.
Bath time. Dinner. Watching Annie. All interspersed with the crying, whining, battling of three little children. Then hugging, kissing, reading, snuggling, puzzle solving, nose wiping, more hugging. Begging for more time before bed. Sleeping.
Writing. All day, I felt like I was having a bad day. My ego was hurt at one point. I was disappointed by something. Then by someone. My children didn’t behave. I lost patience. I couldn’t get loose from the emotional tug of my day. The ick.
And then writing. Putting it down, getting it out, seeing it. Finally some of the vague, unnamable fears and disappointments crystalize. So. That’s what that was about.