Dreaming With Light

Posted on March 11, 2013 by mama one to three

My children sleep with dream lights. They are not the Dream Lites advertised on television because we assumed, of course, those would not work. When the kids started asking for the ones on television, however, we found these at a local store. The girls have ladybugs; the boy has a turtle.

We take these lights on vacation with us. When we stayed at hotels after Hurricane Sandy, we had the lights with us. They have become one of the most important parts of our bedtime routine–ahead of “sips and kisses,” just behind “bunny” and “bear.”

photo 2

Most nights they are lit up the moment each child is in his or her bed. Three sky-fulls of stars fill their bedroom walls and ceiling. They change colors, and back again. The room glows orange or blue or red, or orange and blue,  orange and red. Henry likes to coordinate the color of his turtle with the girls’. A crescent moon appears, then another, and another. Three moons among the sea of glowing stars. They they fall asleep under the night sky of another universe.

photo-87

We replace the batteries every few months, as the dream light begins to fail, to blink, to switch colors on its own. I fight with them to Stop touching the dream lights and go to sleep! NOW! Ellie will howl if her ladybug cannot be located immediately at bedtime. Molly has lost the privilege of the dream light for disobeying a babysitter. For this, she declared she “hated” me and wrote me a note further explaining her feelings.

Translation: "Dear Mommy. You are trash. No daddy seeing this picture."

Translation: “Dear Mommy. You are trash. No daddy seeing this picture.”

As they fall asleep, each child’s light remains close. My children’s thoughts, entering the strange world of dreams, are as distant as any celestial light. Their breathing slows and amplifies. They snore. I move away only when I am sure their eyes won’t pop open.

Henry fell asleep in a princess dress.

Henry fell asleep in a princess dress.

The stars shift on the ceiling as a child turns in her sleep. The lights will remain on for another 30 minutes by themselves. When I open the door later to check on the kids, the room will be dark except for the light from the avenue seeping under the window shade.

On occasion, I have switched on a dream light at that point. And I sit in the children’s room as they sleep, for ten minutes, for thirty minutes, with the stars–their stars–surrounding us.

IMG_8371

Posted in Family Life, New York City Living and Coping, Parenting Moments | Tagged , , , , , , | 5 Comments

This Comes With 40

Posted on February 20, 2013 by mama one to three

I have written about turning 40 before. When I actually turned 40. That was more than two years ago.

And my perspective has changed–slightly but significantly. Slowly, I’ve become less concerned with the opinions others hold of me, and terribly concerned with my own. Speaking my mind, showing weakness, being proven wrong are no longer the worst things I could do. At the same time, the stakes have never been higher. My children look to me for an example of how to live reasonably, happily, and with purpose. Their faces show me their fear or their joy in response. All the moments count now.

I think relentlessly about reaching my goals. Those things we determine, set, work toward, sacrifice for, revisit, reinvent, sometimes regret, and if we are lucky, celebrate. Those goals seemed once to have an expiration date so far in the future, it was impossible to imagine not reaching the other side. Now each day I am aware of the future pressuring the present. Often I sit at the kitchen counter, my laptop in front of me, staring at downtown Manhattan at midday, making little progress toward any end. There are emails and unfinished posts opened, lunches and class parent responsibilities dotting my agenda book; there is work to complete on deadline. How aware I am that there is little time among these to devote to window gazing.

I no longer obsess about calories or cellulite, or fashion or gossip; but I worry about growing old. The old ladies in my neighborhood do not seem as alien as they once did, when I was a graduate student, unable to imagine a time when I might be left alone.

I realize I have more than I ever expected or could have dreamed. Gone, mostly, are the fantasies that extravagant vacations (I’ve taken one or two), invites to fancy parties (I have been to several), or the right address (I’ve tried this over and over) could minimize my problems. And yet I do not have everything that I want. So few of the answers I desperately hunted down truly satisfied. I designed my life without knowing it: the three surprising, remarkably funny children; a husband that supports my writing; friends I miss all over the world; a life in the big city. I spent years searching for the “path” without seeing I was on it.

This gratitude, humility, uncertainty, and ambition come not with this decade exclusively, of course. They come with our experiences of the years–both the staggering and the casual. With being in, what may be, the middle of my life. These come with a moment when looking forward is infinitely more promising than looking behind me.

My five year old's portrait of me.

My five year old’s portrait of me.

Me at 40-ish.

Me at 40-ish.

This post can also be seen on Huffington Post.

Posted in Family Life, Mental health, New York City Living and Coping, Parenting Moments | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Guest Dad Post: How Not to Choose the Family Dog

Posted on January 18, 2013 by mama one to three

I have been holding on to this post since the summer. Sean Teare has guest posted here before; he is a father of two and a very funny person. My dear old friend, if he is still speaking to me, will update us soon on what has happened since.

Adding a dog to your family should be a simple process. You simply select a breed, find a breeder or adoption center, choose your puppy, buy a leash for said puppy, and bring it home. Or, so we thought.

My wife and I were vacillating between an active or a lazy dog. On a good day—meaning our children had spent the night at a relative’s house, and we had slept for more than five hours without interruption, finished a conversation and actually relaxed, we wanted an active dog. On a bad day, meaning most days, we wanted a lazy dog that took about as much work to care for as a Pet Rock. Our children, on the other hand, didn’t care what kind of  dog we got.  Our son Willy could not have cared less.  He was completely indifferent.  Our daughter Olivia didn’t care what kind of dog we selected either—as long as we did it soon.

Looking for guidance, we reached out to family and friends. We had done this before when we were undecided and choosing names for our children. It didn’t work out well then either.

We would mention a name, and our friends would tell us about someone they knew with that particular name that had questionable character or was a victim of her unfortunate name.  “Oh, I knew a Vanessa and she was a slut!” Or, “You’re not going to name the kid Elliot!  Do you want him to get beaten up on the playground?” These were actual statements from friends.

I happen to like the sound of Vanessa and Elliott. And if your children bear these names, I’m sure that their promiscuity or nerdy traits are just coincidental. We actually considered both names, but we thought our kids would have enough issues coming from our very shallow gene pool. I’m amazed our children are as perfect as they are. Our daughter was actually born with only one kidney. (According to the obstetrician, it had nothing to do with my collegiate pharmaceutical usage.)

Predictably, our experience asking friends for advice on dogs wasn’t much different.  We began our quest by asking our friend Rob who has two dogs, four cats, two horses, and a goat–but no children–what kind of dog we should get. When we told him what type we were considering, he said, “It’s not a fashion statement. You’re adding a family member.  And you’re an active family, so you need an active dog.” We weren’t sure we could trust Rob’s advice because he is the same guy who had the opportunity to join Google in the late 1990s, but decided against it.  He couldn’t see the Internet’s potential when every town had a library. I guess he liked libraries a lot.

Against our better judgment, we took our friend’s advice.  We tried to adopt a Labrador Retriever but were rejected in favor of another family because they had a bigger yard.  Olivia was devastated. Willy was relieved. Phoebe and I were shocked. We didn’t get the dog because our yard was too small.

A short time later, we adopted a Golden Retriever named Molly.  This was clearly a rebound-relationship, and like most rebounds, it didn’t work. And let me be clear about Molly’s temperament. While we loved her, she was the world’s only aggressive Golden. The family we adopted her from failed to mention this.

We had to say goodbye to Molly the Golden a few months later when she allegedly attacked our neighbor’s dog and they threatened to sue us if it happened again. We learned this from the police, whom they called. Our children started crying when the police came to the door because they thought Molly and Mommy were going to jail.

We flirted with the idea of a Labradoodle because Olivia really liked them, and my son seemed to tolerate them. Because the chocolate ones looked like Chewbacca, and he was really into Star Wars at the time. I wasn’t as sure. To me, Labradoodles are the El Camino of dogs: the El Camino is not really a truck, and it is not really a car. I have the same problem with this particular breed. It is not really a lab, and it is not really a poodle. It’s an experiment.

Now, finally, after several years, and a few unsuccessful attempts with ‘active’ dogs, we’ve chosen a ‘lazy’ dog.  We are expecting to bring home a Basset Hound puppy in August.

The Basset Hound is a funny breed.  It looks goofy.  It smells. It drools.  It is difficult to train.  It will run away if it catches an interesting scent. It cannot swim. It doesn’t really like to fetch. And I don’t think the breed has caught a rabbit in generations. It’s essentially a large, expensive hamster.  But it is gentle, lovable, and cute.

So our hound dog probably won’t dazzle our friends with remarkable tricks. It will not impress people with its intelligence. It probably won’t obey most commands. But it will add some unconditional love and laughter to our family. And that’s not such a bad thing.

Scarlett

 

Posted in Dad Was Here, Family Life, Guests of Mama One to Three, Parenting Moments | 4 Comments

Making My Home Kidde Worry Free (and a Giveaway)

Posted on January 7, 2013 by mama one to three

Before the holidays I completed the Kidde Home Safety Challenge.  It took about ten minutes after the kids were in bed. I was curious to learn if I am doing everything I can to keep us safe at home. I scored 75% on the audit; most things I am doing correctly to keep my family safe–and this is great news. But any omission is a problem of course. I am resolving to address our issues as soon as possible. In 2013, we will have a “worry-free home.”

A few things I’ll be working on as part of our short- and long-term fire safety preparedness:

  • From Thanksgiving into the new year, I leave our Christmas tree lights plugged in. All the time. While we are in bed, when we leave the apartment. I never even think of unplugging them. (We have a fake tree, which presents less of a risk for fire.) I so love the lights. And now I will love them while they are off too.
  • We haven’t changed our smoke alarm batteries this year. We were going to–my husband got the step stool, went to lift the cover of the alarm on the wall, and then we couldn’t find new batteries. This was in October (Daylight Savings), and we haven’t thought of it again.
  • We have one smoke alarm. It is outside our bedrooms in the hallway. It is recommended that we have alarms inside the sleeping areas as well.
  • We do not have an emergency fire exit plan. We live in a fire-proof brick building, but we have no plan to escape if there were a fire in our apartment. Molly recently had an educational visit from a firefighter to her kindergarten classroom. She came home with many questions about what would happen if our apartment had a fire. She asked what would happen if she woke up and couldn’t find us. Because I was so terrified by that thought, I told her that of course we’d find her. Because it is impossible to even think otherwise. But it is both cruel and true–the worst can indeed happen. I am going to make a plan for our family that our children can understand.

It is, in so many ways, a relief to know that there are things we can do to prevent fires and to prevent injury from fires at home. We cannot control all things in life, and there are dangers for which we cannot prepare. Fire safety, however, can be planned for; and for this, I am extremely grateful.

{CLOSED}Giveaway! Here is what makes me the happiest: Kidde will send one of my readers its new Worry-Free Kitchen Smoke and Carbon Monoxide Alarm (a $48 value). The alarm uses one battery over its lifetime to provide 24/7 fire safety protection–you will never hear those annoying low-battery chirps.

Here is what you must do to enter: Answer the questions on the survey (it will not take more than 15 minutes) and leave a single comment below on this post about one area of your home you learned needs attention.

The giveaway will end January 19, 2013, at 11:59 ET. A winner will be selected through random.org.

Kidde is providing me with compensation and one of my readers with a Worry-Free Kitchen Smoke and Carbon Monoxide Alarm. All opinions are my own.

Posted in Family Life, giveaway, New York City Living and Coping, Review, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | 4 Comments

The Options

Posted on January 4, 2013 by mama one to three

Tonight I have been thinking of women I know and like. Some are fighting cancer, several are going through a life-changing heartbreak, and one recovering from major, major surgery. And each is hardly complaining, although each could be shouting from the rooftops how she did not sign up for, deserve, or envision this happening to her.

And I am at a loss of how to help. Partly because I am not good at helping people. Partly because my focus has been on my own fears. And then I thought that maybe I don’t need to worry about the things that aren’t happening. About the wounds that don’t really matter when all is said, and all is mostly done. There are conversations I will never have outside my own head. There are wrongs that will never be made right. There are goals that will be left untouched.

What if I wake up tomorrow and my first thought is not the three major projects I am late delivering? What if I don’t step on a scale or look in a mirror? What if blueberry muffin crumbs remain on my floor all day? What if I don’t go to the gym, and I don’t feel awful about myself all day for it? What if I do own too many shoes?

There are moments when our world is reduced in a heartbeat to the basics. And then there are lifetimes in which we can choose to reduce our world to the very basics. What if I don’t win a prize–what if I never know what the prizes are? What if I don’t wait to be happy and unashamed?

So what if my best friendships are forged through tears and laughter and wine? What if I take a nap? Could happiness really be as simple as this moment?

And a quiet calm, the absence of guilt or pressure started to gel in me. And I thought, still, what if, dreaming, I am on a train to no known town, only to discover, eventually, at the end of the line, that I never existed? Oh no. What if I hadn’t watched that Twilight Zone marathon New Year’s Day?

What if every thought I have today could make me smile?

photo-87

Posted in Family Life, It's All About Me, Mental health, New York City Living and Coping | Tagged , , , , , | 10 Comments

The Deal We Get

Posted on December 26, 2012 by mama one to three

Before long we learn, in this life, that we are not here forever. We learn through the changing of seasons, the loss of our pets in childhood, the death of a loved one.

We get no guarantee of numbers. So many days under the sun or drizzly afternoons spent gazing out windows. We think they are infinite but they are not. One day will be the last. And this is not the hardest part. The hardest is knowing those we adore will share our fate.

We grow up when we know this. And this is the deal we get to be here. We don’t ask yet are given opportunity to love, to embrace, to wonder and be scared, to scream and kiss and run and lie still in the cool grass under the long-gone stars on a cool evening.

We go through this time, galloping or whispering across the years, with a vague knowledge of the end. We are born to love feverishly. To anguish and rebound. To flourish. We are born for each other.

It matters little where or when or how we are here. Our hearts share the same code. Although we spend our lives attempting to cement that which is impermanent, we come to the same end.

Our gift is not one of time because that is uncertain and unfairly metered out. We have one moment in which to live. Our gift is of comfort and care. We cradle those hearts we meet, bringing joy where there is sorrow and ease when there is turmoil. Those of us who have, and who can–we must. It is the deal we make with the one we get.

This post can be found on Huffington Post as well.

Posted in Family Life, It's All About Me, Mental health, New York City Living and Coping, Parenting Moments | Tagged , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

It Is Too Much With Us

Posted on December 16, 2012 by mama one to three

William Wordsworth wrote his sonnet, The World Is Too Much With Us, in 1802 out of anger with the increased materialism of his time. While the frustration is of a different source and of a different moment, it was a line that came to me–and stays with me–following the horrifying killing of school children and their beloved protectors in Newtown, Connecticut.

An advocate for nature and the natural world, Wordsworth was disgusted with what he believed to be the destruction of beauty for the sake of greed and money. We are similarly today suffering the consequences of having put power and campaigns, elections and lobbyists ahead of reasonable and compassionate laws.

The world is too much with us; late and soon,
Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers;
Little we see in Nature that is ours;
We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!

We are destroying our families–the only thing in this life truly irreplaceable. If there is a measure for such things, then I am not handling this recent tragedy well. Like many of my friends, like many of you, I am angry and sickened and broken. I am unable to process my own fears as my heartache for the affected families leaves me utterly still with sadness.

I was at my daughter’s kindergarten class Friday at lunchtime, as the worst of the news was breaking across the Internet and on the networks. That there were children dead. We were there for a party. Some of us knew what was happening, and others didn’t hear until later. We were in a thin fog of despair and disbelief, picturing our own school morning rituals, the breakfasts and backpacks, the hurried “remember to’s” among the doorway goodbyes.

I have been in tears many times since yesterday afternoon.  I am holding my own children tighter; I am sure you are as well. Yet I am uncomfortable around my children today. I cannot look at them outside of the context of those parents’ unbearable pain. My thoughts are racing and unsettled. My heart is a heavy mass.

The world–its breathtaking absence of justice, its vicious robberies–is too much with us. So many of us are hoping to hear and see potent courage from our leaders. I pray to any power in our universe or another, that no child should again pay the price of our distraction. All value lay in our children, our families. Let us all do what is right, right now.

The Sea that bares her bosom to the moon;
The winds that will be howling at all hours,
And are up-gathered now like sleeping flowers;
For this, for everything, we are out of tune…

My children at the American Museum of Natural History this morning for a birthday party.

My children at the American Museum of Natural History this morning for a birthday party.

Posted in Family Life, It's All About Me, Mental health, New York City Living and Coping, Parenting Moments | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments

Hickory Farms and the Spirit of Giving

Posted on December 15, 2012 by mama one to three

After reading my last post about holiday traditions and Hickory Farms–in which I confess that husband accidentally ate the contents of the gift box meant for me, my dear and generous friends showed up at my home recently with a replacement.

They had–very excitedly on a Friday night–shopped at the Hickory Farms store in the Bridgewater Mall (in New Jersey) for the perfect gift to bring to our last-minute holiday get-together. So last weekend, we celebrated our mix of holiday traditions at our New York City apartment, together with our children, good food, and a great deal of joy.

photo-87 copy

photo-87

My friends picked out the Warm & Hearty Welcome gift box–just one of many Hickory Farms food gifts that are perfect for any budget. I am happy to report that my favorite item, the Summer Sausage, is included in this gift. (The Hickory Farms Summer Sausage won the 2011 Masters of Taste Gold Medal for Superior Taste and is the number one sausage in America. Oh yeah.)

And as we all enjoyed the Christmas tree, the menorah being lit for the first night of Hanukkah, our fake (but fabulous) fireplace, we expressed our gratitude for our most treasured gifts: our healthy, happy families and the opportunity to be with our friends and loved ones.

kidsHF

photo-87

In this same spirit of appreciation, Hickory Farms partners with Operation Gratitude, a national organization that creates care packages for our troops and their families. There are eight Hickory Farms products, including the Home for the Holidays gift basket, that ship free to military APO and FPO addresses.

Hickory Farms began a partnership with Share Our Strength in 2008 and has since donated close to two million dollars. To help fight child hunger this holiday season, Hickory Farms will donate five dollars to Share Our Strength’s No Kid Hungry Campaign for each Party Planner gift box sold. One in five children in this country is hungry; this campaign is ending child hunger by working to ensure all children have access to nutritious food where they play, learn, and live.

The Party Planner gift box

The Party Planner gift box

For more than 60 years, Hickory Farms has been providing holiday shoppers with beautiful and delicious gift options. Not only do you get freshness and value with Hickory Farms’ holiday treats–but you are sharing quality gifts that truly celebrate this season of giving.

Compensation and products for review were provided by Hickory Farms via MomTrends. I received a sample of the product for the purpose of this review. All opinions are my own and are not indicative of the opinions of Hickory Farms. 

Posted in Family Life, New York City Living and Coping, Review | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

This Is Not a Thanksgiving Post

Posted on November 22, 2012 by mama one to three

I am not good at sharing emotions on demand. Or under expectation. I woke up in a bad mood this morning knowing I’d have the three kids alone most of the day. And I had to prepare for guests. And we were up all night with a croupy coughing little boy.

Often, I am thinking of how lucky we are. How lucky I am. This has been a good year. They all have been good years so far, for us. We have more than we deserve.

And yet this just happened. I was sitting in my bedroom on the floor, blow drying my hair in the mirror hanging on the back of the door. Ellie slammed open the door and the edge of the door slammed my shin. I screamed at her. I saw her face go from giggly mischief to embarrassment and shame. She ran to her bedroom, threw herself face down on her bed and sobbed.

Molly got onto her bed and rubbed her back. I stood at their door and heard Ellie say, through her tears, “Mommy was so mean to me!”

And of course I tried to make it right. It’s been a long morning of cleaning and dishwashing and picking up toys and double checking and picking up toys and working and picking up toys. My heart is not filled with spontaneous joy and gratitude at this very moment.

I am worried today won’t go well and my guests won’t have a good time. Or enjoy the food. Or think I keep a clean house.

And I am writing this post because perhaps someone else is struggling to get into the holiday mood today. Perhaps someone with worries bigger than my own.

I know we will have a great time regardless of how imperfectly planned and executed this meal may be. It will be about the company and laughing and enjoying our abundance of food and friendship.

Although I am thankful for many things, right now, as I prepare the kitchen for today’s craziness and celebration, I wish you peace and health; and I am so happy for the freedom to share my own ambivalence about the holidays.

Posted in Family Life, It's All About Me, Mental health, New York City Living and Coping, Parenting Moments | Tagged , , , , | 6 Comments

Holiday Traditions With Hickory Farms and a Giveaway!

Posted on November 16, 2012 by mama one to three

Like many families, our Thanksgiving is about the food–and our loved ones, gratitude, affection for each other, conversation, laughter, catching up on news. Of course. But it’s kind of about what’s on the table.

Hickory Farms has, since I was a child, been a favorite part of our holidays. It is a company strengthened by tradition and the spirit of giving back. My family always serves cheeses as an appetizer before holiday meals. And during meals. Sometimes after as well. We like our cheeses.

Now my husband and I celebrate our blessings, our food, and generous family together; for more than 60 years families like ours have been making holiday memories with savory Hickory Farms meats and cheeses on their table.

So of course, I was excited to sample some of this year’s delicious offerings. I waited for my basket to arrive. I asked that my gift basket be sent to my husband’s office. (We were not staying at our apartment earlier this month due to damage from Hurricane Sandy.)

And I waited. This is the beauty I was planning to savor and serve to friends. A few days ago, realizing that I hadn’t seen or heard anything about the basket, I e-mailed my husband at work.

Did you get the Hickory Farms gift basket?

What gift basket?

The one I am reviewing and giving away. We had it sent to your office. 

[No response.]

Did you get it? 

I ate it. 

WHAT?! 

I thought it was for me. Did you think I would just leave it there? 

Luckily for me, my husband only ate half the gift basket.

I do not blame my husband. It is not fair to send a beautiful Hickory Farms gift basket to someone and expect him to “just leave it there.” These are mouthwatering quality foods meant to be opened, shared, and appreciated. I get it.

And I have been enjoying the delectable Smoked Gouda like nobody’s business.

Founded in 1951 in the pastoral farm country of Ohio, customers can find Hickory Farms’ award winning sausage, cheese, and specialty items at more than 750 Hickory Farms holiday stores, online, in catalogs, and at retailers throughout this holiday season.

Giveaway!{closed; winner chosen via random.org}

Here is the best part. I am sharing this yummy, spicy goodness with you. Have you ever tried Hickory Farms Cranberry Mustard? You will forsake all other mustards once you do. And trust me–you can eat it on anything.

One reader will receive the same Party Planner gift basket I have been enjoying: Farmhouse Cheddar, Creamy Swiss, Turkey Summer Sausage and more. Do not worry–my husband is ineligible to enter. Whew.

It is simple to enter. Contest will close Tuesday, Dec. 4, 2012, at 11:59 ET.

Follow Hickory Farms on Twitter and Like Hickory Farms on Facebook.

Follow Mama One to Three on Twitter and Like Mama One to Three on Facebook.

Leave one comment below letting me know you did–and share one of your own holiday traditions! 

Compensation and products for review were provided by Hickory Farms via MomTrends. I received a free sample of the product for the purpose of this review and for a giveaway.  The opinions expressed here are, as always, my own; they are not indicative of the opinions of Hickory Farms. 

Posted in Family Life, giveaway, New York City Living and Coping, Review | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 22 Comments